It's either gonna be an implode or an explode... i'm assuming it will not the latter, I don't tend to go physically on a bender.
Having moved back in to the 'family' home, booked the holiday, got on ok for a few days, shit hits the fan again..
This time, i'm perusing a website forum which HE has introduced me too, I don't have a login, so I can't search the threads, I just plod through them picking them at random reading the posts.
Today I saw a post by him... what I saw previous and after it made my almost vomit I was that insecure. He's supposed to be going away in the autumn for a week or so to a big concert thing - I can accept this, what I can't accept is seeing him flirting like hell with the people on there, putting posts such as talking about inside leg measurements and the female members offering to measure it for him (including anything in between) - with a response from him stating "only where my missus can't see cos she has a problem with other women touching me" - TOO FUCKING RIGHT.
I confronted him about it and as usual I get told it's my fault, that i'm over reacting, that the person he was talking to I would be meeting anyway as i'm going to one of the concerts with him that she is going to, he actually told me that it was killing time, interacting with people and not necessarily of a non sexualy nature - tell me was I born yesterday?
Admittedly in the past I have been naughty and found out about people he knew and told them to stay away (ex girlfriends/lovers/anyone, women he even only looked at!!!) - but over the years i've matured and no longer have the want or need to track people down, I really cant be arsed. I realised i had a problem and dealt with it, alone, downing 2 bottles of vodka a week, being at the pit of the earth knowing it got me nowhere.
So after a lengthy debate I accept responsibilty (as normal)and email this to him: -
Point taken completely,
I can see step taken aback and mulled over, that the comments were harmless enough. As you said, here's my statement "I was just looking at the threads out of general interest for ??, your name appeared on the main message page with your post as a last post"... end of.
If I was that much of a stalker - (as I have been in the past), i'd have taken her hotmail email address which she posted in the thread for all to see for people to add her to MSN, and emailed her, contacted her, like I have done with other people - without holding back on my reins and being able to see the rational view instead of the irrational.
I would contact people to confront them, go into a pub!! to confront them, or find some way of telling them where to go, out of a paranoid insecure mind!!!!
People change, I wouldn't do any of that now, i've come to the realisation that if something decidedly dodgy was going on, I would be better off without you anyway......
I don't deny that having seen those posts, with the sudden rush of green bile that surged thru my veins, I went back a few pages on the ??? thread to see what else she had to say...seeing one she said you were going to go to another concert on a whim with her... ** BUT by this time i'd calmed myself down and realised how silly it all was, and how SILLY I was being - that you all have one common enjoyment - ??????, and its the only thing that binds you ALL together in some way on that forum.
**(I remember you saying something about going to concert with a female (and me probably kicking up a stink) round the time I went to Cambridge and had to bring the nugget back in the car with me!!!)
I have to be honest it was your comment that threw me and triggered my insecurities flying.. "you can measure me anytime (just not with missus there.....)", again, now taken a step back.. it's harmless - looking at other peoples responses to it ...that's as far as I go now... apart from telling you about it - I can't hide anything I do - I tell you straight away, hen i've not purposely doing anything in the firsts place, I respect that everyone else's actions are well out of my reach and I have no right to tell people - who you know/talk to - how to run their life, as I don't have the right to tell you, but I can tell you how I feel and give my opinion even if its wrong, not once did I say stop posting, stop interacting.
I know what I feel, I know you say you love me, stopping my brain from integrating the past into my present is something i'm continually working on.....so i'm holding my hands up and saying yes my perception on life is not a rosy one, and I take into consideration everything you say.
