Its just got to come out somewhere!

Ever felt like exploding?

Tue, 23 May 2006 22:14:59 +0200

It's either gonna be an implode or an explode... i'm assuming it will not the latter, I don't tend to go physically on a bender.

Having moved back in to the 'family' home, booked the holiday, got on ok for a few days, shit hits the fan again..

This time, i'm perusing a website forum which HE has introduced me too, I don't have a login, so I can't search the threads, I just plod through them picking them at random reading the posts.

Today I saw a post by him... what I saw previous and after it made my almost vomit I was that insecure. He's supposed to be going away in the autumn for a week or so to a big concert thing - I can accept this, what I can't accept is seeing him flirting like hell with the people on there, putting posts such as talking about inside leg measurements and the female members offering to measure it for him (including anything in between) - with a response from him stating "only where my missus can't see cos she has a problem with other women touching me" - TOO FUCKING RIGHT.

I confronted him about it and as usual I get told it's my fault, that i'm over reacting, that the person he was talking to I would be meeting anyway as i'm going to one of the concerts with him that she is going to, he actually told me that it was killing time, interacting with people and not necessarily of a non sexualy nature - tell me was I born yesterday?

Admittedly in the past I have been naughty and found out about people he knew and told them to stay away (ex girlfriends/lovers/anyone, women he even only looked at!!!) - but over the years i've matured and no longer have the want or need to track people down, I really cant be arsed. I realised i had a problem and dealt with it, alone, downing 2 bottles of vodka a week, being at the pit of the earth knowing it got me nowhere.

So after a lengthy debate I accept responsibilty (as normal)and email this to him: -

Point taken completely,

I can see step taken aback and mulled over, that the comments were harmless enough. As you said, here's my statement "I was just looking at the threads out of general interest for ??, your name appeared on the main message page with your post as a last post"... end of.

If I was that much of a stalker - (as I have been in the past), i'd have taken her hotmail email address which she posted in the thread for all to see for people to add her to MSN, and emailed her, contacted her, like I have done with other people - without holding back on my reins and being able to see the rational view instead of the irrational.
I would contact people to confront them, go into a pub!! to confront them, or find some way of telling them where to go, out of a paranoid insecure mind!!!!
People change, I wouldn't do any of that now, i've come to the realisation that if something decidedly dodgy was going on, I would be better off without you anyway......

I don't deny that having seen those posts, with the sudden rush of green bile that surged thru my veins, I went back a few pages on the ??? thread to see what else she had to say...seeing one she said you were going to go to another concert on a whim with her... ** BUT by this time i'd calmed myself down and realised how silly it all was, and how SILLY I was being - that you all have one common enjoyment - ??????, and its the only thing that binds you ALL together in some way on that forum.

**(I remember you saying something about going to concert with a female (and me probably kicking up a stink) round the time I went to Cambridge and had to bring the nugget back in the car with me!!!)

I have to be honest it was your comment that threw me and triggered my insecurities flying.. "you can measure me anytime (just not with missus there.....)", again, now taken a step back.. it's harmless - looking at other peoples responses to it ...that's as far as I go now... apart from telling you about it - I can't hide anything I do - I tell you straight away, hen i've not purposely doing anything in the firsts place, I respect that everyone else's actions are well out of my reach and I have no right to tell people - who you know/talk to - how to run their life, as I don't have the right to tell you, but I can tell you how I feel and give my opinion even if its wrong, not once did I say stop posting, stop interacting.

I know what I feel, I know you say you love me, stopping my brain from integrating the past into my present is something i'm continually working on.....so i'm holding my hands up and saying yes my perception on life is not a rosy one, and I take into consideration everything you say.

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Homeless and wanting it...

Fri, 12 May 2006 13:52:48 +0200

Right now, i'm 'homeless'.

An argument at the weekend, and i'm thrown out, living with friends, who thank goodness have compassion, unlike the man I love.

I have the opportunity to stay through the week if I would like but at weekends I have to disappear because his daughters staying...

great huh!

I've made the decision to not want to stay there at all at the moment. I told him outright that I had other places to stay last night, and I hoped he had a nice weekend.

This morning I receive an email with a funny picture in it, a joke picture. - Now given the circumstances what the f*ck to I do now.. is he being nice? was it sent by mistake?

OOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooh MEN!

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Where to begin...

Mon, 08 May 2006 20:14:39 +0200

Loving someone, and them being the first priority in your life... at the time its a wonderful thing.

In the first few months, you appear to be the only thing your other half desires, company, dreams, conversation.... 6 years down the line, 3 break ups (2 major), each of us having different short term relationships in the breaks.... I start to wonder if its me that causes all the crap in the relationship.

I wouldn't say i'm a selfish person, ever since I met my partner, i've known I had to take a side step for his beautiful daughter.

She is one hell of a little girl now, and has the world at her feet. I'll talk more of her in later blogs, but at this point, i'll explain that every single weekend i've been with said partner (I'll think i'll call him Mick from now on!!) - his daughter has 98% of the time been there.

I can handle this, I would never ever want it any other way. 2nd special woman in his life.

But just lately i'm not 2nd - 2nd is his writing, 3rd is his Pearl Jam European concert this year (to which I thought I was going to 3 out of the 10 gigs he's going too! and told if I messed up those 3 by being ill/complaining/moaning we were finished anyway!), 4th is his friend when he calls to go out for a drink every couple months when he's back from army duties, 5th is the old geezer in town - great man, he actually asks me if i'm alright out of ear shot of Mick some times when he comes rounds, sensing i'm not really happy!, 6th is probably me.. well i'm hoping.

We got together in August 2001 (26th) - met on the internet (*gasp,shock,horror*) - Friday 10th August 2001 - I saw a name, it intrigued me. I was so full of life then, just graduating from a horrible degree, said goodbye forever to my first love (and a couple flings) and had the world at my feet. 13:00 I messaged him..... no regrets now, but what if I hadn't???

He told me he couldn't talk until the sunday (on which day I found out he had a daughter - no problem from my side on that one) - two weeks later I drove over to meet him - have to be honest on first impressions, I wasn't impressed by the sandals, shorts and ben sherman t-shirt, but there was something different about him.

Quick synopsis of this 6 year stretch: -
First break up Oct 2002 - back together Feb 2003 - 2nd break-up April 2003 - (other relationships enter here!) - back together August 2003 - 3rd break-up March 26th 2004 - (I'm single all this time, he goes back to previous bit!) - back together Dec 2004 - to now!

So this is theorectically the longest stint in the relationship, but not the happiest by far.

Just writing that makes me wonder why I even bother remembering it.

He's never actually hit me, but there are times when he completely scares the %hit out of me, temper flying, shouting at the littlest of things - he can't control his emotions, and I don't hold that against him. He's not a bad man, he's not a bad father. I don't think he would cheat on me.

But everything is about him, our weekly change in food types (allergies making him ill!), where we go on weekends, what we do through the week. I just can't take anymore I don't think....

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Release....

Mon, 08 May 2006 19:16:01 +0200

Ok... so this isn't my real name, it isn't my real position in this world, and it definately will never be disclosed.

But I need to get things out, I need to air them, and if people read these blogs, then good, if they don't they are not missing anything in the first place.

I really need to get out what i've been storing up for 18 months, no names, no disclosure, not harm done. I just need to get whats inside of me out, cos if I don't i'll never be happy.

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